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2023 West End
Operation Mincemeat the Musical - Act as If Lyrics
The song is written by David Cumming, Felix Hagan, Natasha Hodgson, and Zoë Roberts.
MONTAGU:
You just need to be more deceiving
Make them believe
That whatever is in the file
Has the British scared,
The British worried
The British doing their best to hurry
To get those files back
Or the Germans have us beat
That that briefcase holds the key
To a British defeat
Act as if you do when you don't
HASELDEN: (spoken)
What?
CHARLES:
Act as if you will when you won't
HASELDEN: (spoken)
I don't follow
MONTAGU & CHARLES:
We'll win sure enough
With the old double bluff
Just act as if you do when you don't
MONTAGU & HASELDEN:
Haselden, you genius,
I know you've got this down
It's just a simple matter
Of making sounds around town
Yes sir, of course sir,
I'll give it my best shot
There's a good man
Thank you, over and off
CHARLES: (spoken)
What?
MONTAGU & CHARLES:
Oh god, what an idiot
Monty!
I mean really,
It's not that bloody complex
The man's a complete fool
You just called him a genius
Yes I lied, he's just a tool
And for tools to get moving
Then falsehood's the fuel
For when you need a moron
To tackle a task
You call him a genius
And he'll do what you ask
MONTAGU & COMPANY:
Act as if you do when you don't
HASELDEN:
Some files have gone astray
MONTAGU & COMPANY:
Act as if you will when you won't
HASELDEN:
We need them back without delay
MONTAGU:
He may sound dramatic, but
At least they'll think we're panicked
Act as if you do when you don't
(spoken)
Right well I'm off
CHARLES: (spoken)
Should you really be taking that?
MONTAGU: (spoken)
Why shouldn't I?
CHARLES: (spoken)
Secrecy, procedure,
Unless I'm very much mistaken
That's the rules
MONTAGU: (spoken)
Charles, the rules are
But a trifling inconvenience
And they don't apply to us.
You should know, you're a genius
(Charles gasps in realisation.)
MONTAGU: (spoken)
Anyway must dash,
Jean awaits me at the Ritz
But can you check if the sweatiest spy
In Spain is out-fooling Fritz?
HASELDEN:
You'll never guess the flippin' mess
The British boys are in
We're finished if our missing files find
Their way to Berlin
It's do or die, a race is high
The Germans will win
If Adolf spies his little eyes on what's within
Wink!
SPANISH CORONER: (spoken)
¿Qué?
JEAN & MONTAGU:
Monty, here here!
You agree?
Course I do, you've got it quite right
It's not insane to say our brightest brains
Should have free rein to do as they like
Exactly!
You're a maverick,
You mustn't be held down
Now spill the beans,
Tell me your dreams
Shall we get another round?
I've probably had enough
Nonsense! One more for the road
The night is young, and I want to hear
All that you know
JEAN & COMPANY:
Act as if you do when you don't
Tell me your secret
Act as if you will when you won't
I promise I'll keep it
Loosen his lips and maybe he'll let slip
Just act as if you do when you don't
HASELDEN:
I can't speak long
You see, tonight's the Ambassador's soirée
There'll be some spies who I need to lie to
But I called to update
That my source down in Huelva
Just came through with news
The Germans have taken the documents!
COMPANY:
Phew
CHARLES:
Thank God
So they should make a play
For them soon
HESTER:
As long as Haselden's done his job
But we shouldn't assume
He's in a nest full of vipers
And perhaps he's not immune
To the pressure and strain
Charles, is Monty acting strange?
CHARLES: (spoken)
No
HESTER: (spoken)
Are you sure?
CHARLES: (spoken)
Yes
HESTER: (spoken)
Quite sure?
CHARLES: (spoken)
Yes
HESTER: (spoken)
Then perhaps he's not to blame
CHARLES: (spoken)
What?
HESTER:
Some files are missing, sir
Where they've gone's not quite clear
The loss of each a serious breach
It could end my career
The contents could fetch
A high price for a profiteer
And I'm beginning
To fear someone here's
Not what they appear
HESTER & COMPANY:
Act as if you do when you
We must retrieve them
Act as if you will when you
The enemy can't see them
CHARLES:
If Monty's deceiving
He must have his reasons
COMPANY:
Act as if you do when you don't
BEVAN:
Cholmondeley
CHARLES:
Sir?
BEVAN:
Montagu
MONTAGU:
Johnny boy
BEVAN:
What's the news?
CHARLES:
The briefcase has gone
To Berlin for review
MONTAGU:
So the top brass has seen it
CHARLES:
Are they moving their troops?
BEVAN: (spoken)
No!
MONTAGU: (spoken)
What the deuce?
BEVAN:
If they've had it for days
And there's been no movement
We have to conclude
They may know it's a ruse
CHARLES:
Oh, God
MONTAGU:
Come on, man, have some faith
BEVAN:
What, in you?
You think because they've taken it
There's no way to fail
But if they see the fakery
The invasion's derailed
So I'd probably start praying
If I were you
Because if all of this fails
Then it's down to you two
COMPANY:
Act as if you
Act as
Act as if
Act as if you do when you—
MONTAGU: (spoken)
Don't touch that!
You do trust me,
Don't you, Charles?
COMPANY:
Act as if you do when you don't
CHARLES:
Of... course
COMPANY:
Act as if you will when you won't
MONTAGU:
There's a good man
COMPANY:
The British are scared,
The British are worried
The British are doing their best to hurry
The British are scared,
The British are worried
The British are doing their best to hurry
BEVAN & HESTER:
You think that there's no way to fail
Some files are missing, sir
But if you're wrong
Where have they gone?
The invasion's derailed
COMPANY:
The British are scared,
The British are worried
The British are doing their best to hurry
Act as if you do
BEVAN & HESTER:
So I'd probably start praying
If I were you
Because if all of this fails
Then it's down to you two
COMPANY:
Act as if you do when you don't
Please God, we need this
Act as if you will when you won't
Let them believe it
Soldiers die if we don't lie
So act as if you do
Act as if you do when you
Act as if you do when you don't
Act as if you do when you don't
Act as if you will when you won't
Act as if you will
Oh God, I can't stand it
It's not going to make a plan
There's so much at stake when you're
Making a man
Disaster awaits if they
See through our sham, so
Act as if you do
Act as if you do
Act as if you do
Act as if you do
Act as if you do when you don't
Review: Operation Mincemeat the Musical Lyrics
Operation Mincemeat the Musical Lyrics
SYNOPSIS
Born to Lead
God That's Brilliant
Dead in the Water
All the Ladies
The Pitch
Making a Man
Dear Bill
Sail on, Boys
Just for Tonight
Bevan's Update
The Ballad of Willie Watkins
Spilsbury Reprise
Useful
Finale
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