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2023 West End
Operation Mincemeat the Musical - Making a Man Lyrics
The song is written by David Cumming, Felix Hagan, Natasha Hodgson, and Zoë Roberts.
He’s got a… um…
A mind that is stronger than iron
That shines a light in the dark
And a body that could wrestle a lion
Then deal out a witty remark
He has so very many astounding attributes
He’s noble and courageous
He looks excellent in suits
Seamless blend of dreaminess
Experience
And genius
These are the ingredients you need
When you’re making a man
Making a hero quick as we can
The nation’s in need of a marvellous man
A dependable dreamboat
A shining example of what humans can be
So we’re making a man
Step one
Thinking caps on
Gotta pull a fast one,
Fast on the hun.
Gotta find a corpse
A dead man?
Of course!
Can we gather a cadaver
From the local morgue?
Charles, this is a secret mission
We can’t go raising any suspicion
Luckily I know the perfect man,
To help us hatch this plan!
Welcome to London!
We’re cockneys!
And this is what cockneys wear!
Bodies watcha know ‘bout bodies?
Nothing at all
Well if you need information about expiration
There’s only one man that you shoulc call
He knows the ropes
He knows the knives!
He knows all the ways of ending lives!
It’s Spilsbury! Spilsbury!
Introducing Bernard Spilsbury
So you say you want the perfect body?
Spilsbury
I’ve got every kind that you could need
Sir Bernard Spilsbury
Old ladies to adolescents
In all stages of putrescence
So come inside
And see what you can see!
So don’t delay or they’ll decay
Come on fellas, step this way!
Feast your eyes on all my lovely bodies
Spilsbury
Take a look, I’ve quite the repertoire
Sir Bernard Spilsbury
From Grandads to old biddies,
Young men to little kiddies!
You want homicide or suicide,
Or can’t decide
Well come inside and see
“Why is she so small?”
“Monty, make it stop”
Mister Roberts choked on a yoghurt
Mister Beezles mauled by weasels
If you’re after buckets of gore
Here’s Brian,
He’s basically a lung in a drawer
No!
Bernard we need a chap who’s fresh,
Of military age, with undamaged flesh
So if the Spanish do
Their autopsy they’ll certify him
Drowned at sea!
Have no fear I’ll find your perfect body
Spilsbury
I get skip loads
Of these stiffs each and ev’ry day
Sir Bernard Spilsbury
I’ll find your dear departed
That we need to get things started
Or my name isn’t Bernard Spilsbury OBE
I’ll find your man
Step two
Leave a trail of clues
Pack a wallet with receipts so we can prove
That our Bill had a life
A man about town
Who splashed his cash then drowned
And they will find that the dined at the
Hottest joins with the coolest cats
The swinging spots with the hotsy tots
Oh the nightlife’s such a thrill!
And they will see our boy,
He has such a taste for finery
He’s dressed to impress
Wouldn’t settle for less
Thirty four round the chest!
Only the best for Bill
Step three send Bill to sea
Get him all the way to Spain in secrecy
So he can wash ashore
And then win us the war
Charles my genius, take the floor
“Admirals! May I present my idea
For the world’s first human thermos”
Our Bill will sail by submarine
In a giant thermos,
A corpse canteen
Vacuum packed
And air tight through and through
Chop chop!
We’ve got a lot to do!
Suck out the oxygen so Bill won’t rot
What?
Add dry ice so he won’t get hot
When he’s on his quest
It’s only the best for Bill!
What’s it made of?
Stainless steel
Won’t it smell?
That’s why it’s sealed
What about the crew?
Won’t they know there’s a corpse aboard?
“Bloody good question”
“Good point”
“I forgot what I said”
We could say that it’s equipment
It’s a top secret shipment
It’s need to know
Jean that’s brilliant
I’m quite impressed
Only the best for Bill
“You’re a good girl-“
“Monty, that file is confidential.
If we’ve lost it we could get in –“
“Serious trouble”
Charlie don’t be so narrow minded
“I don’t think it’s narrow minded”
Stop fretting about guidelines and rules
“This is important Monty”
Remember we’re his Majesty’s finest
“Well I don’t see what that’s got to do with…”
And regulations are for cowards and fools
But Monty we’re responsible
For how this thing is done!
If we claim the final victory
Who cares just how we won?
For when you write the book
My boy we’re off the hook
So just be a man
‘Cause we’re making a hero
Quick as we can
The nation’s in need
Of a marvellous man
A dependable dreamboat
A shining example
Of what humans can be
Making a man
“This is the most secure
Building in England alright”
“Horrible wet hands.”
“This is the most secure building in England”
“There’s no way he can find us here”
Lads look here I’ve found your perfect body
Spilsbury
Look what fate has landed in our lap!
Sir Bernard Spilsbury
This homeless chap in Croydon
Accidentally ate rat poison
The perfect worm to bait our little trap!
“He’s perfect”
So he didn’t drown
Don’t worry about it!
Won’t they suspect?
Ha! I doubt it
Foreigners aren’t great coroners, see?
And no one in Spain is as clever as me
I’ve found your man
I’ve saved the day
So fetch my fee
And I’ll be on my way
“Really makes you wonder
About the security of the building”
“We don’t have a projector in this office”
“It’s called the magic of theatre, Charles”
“He must have a family.
We need to find out don’t we.”
“Why?”
“They could provide us information,
His medical records”
“Spilsbury’s given use everything
We need to know.”
“You must at least know his name.
Who was he?”
“Don’t you care?”
“I care about the mission.
I care about saving a lot more lives
Than one tram.”
“Monty!”
“The things I do for this country”
“You are out of control!”
“Johnny, we need the receipts
for Bill’s wallet”
Do you really think
You’re working independently
Or that your little team’s the only thing
That’s under me?
The notion that you’re more
Than a drop in the ocean
Of the hundred plans
I have in motion is enough to earn demotion
Montagu this war is bigger than you
Stop acting like I don’t know what to do
You’re making a mockery
Of this whole damn operation
You’re making a mess of every decision
That you’re making
You’re making a spectacle
Well you’re making it difficult to be sensible
You’re making it about you
Because you’re bloody egotistical
Oh my god!
“Johnny, let me explain.
Picture the scene.”
A bachelor residing in Oval
Here’s his lease agreement
Soon to make his way up the aisle
They’ll tie the knot next summer
To celebrate his recent betrothel
A sparkling diamond ring
They spent his leave in London in style
One night on the town
He took his girl to dinner
And the latest West End show
She said he looked so handsome
In his suit from Saville Row
One last night of celebration before
He leaves to save the nation
Delivering the plans
For our Sardinian invasion
With a never-ending paper trail
A cover story that can’t fail
We made him up then made his life come true
Believe in Bill and they’ll believe in him too
We’ve made you a man
“He needs to be carrying a letter.”
“Soldiers don’t go
To war without a reminder
Of why they’re fighting in the first place.”
“Quite right. I like it.”
And they’ll see it there in writing
That our Bill,
He went down fighting for his love,
His life and his democracy
So we’re making a man
Making a hero quick as we can
The nation’s in need of a marvellous man
A dependable dreamboat
A shining example of what humans can be
God that’s brilliant
Really brilliant
God that’s brilliant
They’ll never see it coming
God that’s brilliant
Really brilliant
God that’s brilliant
So daring and so cunning
Seamless blend of dreaminess,
Experience and genius
These are the ingredients you need,
When you’re making a man!
Review: Operation Mincemeat the Musical Lyrics
Operation Mincemeat the Musical Lyrics
SYNOPSIS
Born to Lead
God That's Brilliant
Dead in the Water
All the Ladies
The Pitch
Making a Man
Dear Bill
Sail on, Boys
Just for Tonight
Bevan's Update
The Ballad of Willie Watkins
Spilsbury Reprise
Useful
Finale
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