(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics - Hairspray LIVE!

Song from NBC's Hairspray LIVE! (2016)
Hairspray LIVE! - (The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is a song from Hairspray LIVE! performed by Kristin Chenoweth (Velma), Dove Cameron (Amber), Maddie Baillio (Tracy), and Council Members.

TRACY
I brought my own 45's, so if you wanna put them on, I'll show you my stuff!

AMBER
Haven't you shown us enough?

VELMA
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Oh, the time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

TRACY
It's always been my dream to dance on this show!

AMBER
Aww, maybe you ought to go back to sleep

VELMA
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin' act!
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!

'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting high Cs and preparing cheese souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!

AMBER
Oh, almost dinner time! Shouldn't you be waddling along?

VELMA
Amber! Haven't I taught you not to judge a book by its cover?

AMBER
No...

VELMA
Oh! This is America, where everyone deserves a separate, but equal chance to fail.
I'll handle this. Are you scared we're on live?

TRACY
No, I'm sure I can cope

AMBER & VELMA
Well, this show isn't broadcast in-

COUNCIL MEMBERS
CinemaScope!

VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

COUNCIL MEMBER
How many sweaters do you own?

AMBER
Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
Wait, I have twenty!

VELMA
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
But I can't... I'm Miss Baltimore Crabs!

COUNCIL MEMBER
You're too wide from the back

AMBER
Honey, look at her front!

VELMA
Wait, are we on Candid Camera?
Okay, where's Allen Funt?

AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?

LINK
Girls, there's no need to be cruel

VELMA
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

TRACY
I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier!

VELMA
Not in Baltimore, it isn't

TRACY
Can I audition for Corny now?

VELMA
Mmm... I'm his producer, and may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it!

And so, my dear, so loud and stout
You'll never be in-

COUNCIL MEMBERS
So we're kicking you out!

VELMA
With your form and your face, well it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs!
You may go

TRACY
Uh, thank you?

PENNY
I could tell, they really liked you!

LITTLE INEZ
Hello ma'am, I want to audition

VELMA
And I wanna be 18 again...
How about you bow and exalt?
For I was Miss Baltimore Crabs!

COUNCIL MEMBERS
Crabs, crabs!

VELMA
Crabs!

Other Album Songs: Hairspray LIVE! Songs with Lyrics
The Legend of Miss Baltimore Crabs song lyrics from Hairspray LIVE!